You are pre-approved for a bailout loan in the amount of $700,000,000,000! This will be available to you at the very low APR of 1.25%*. Use these funds to stimulate the economy! Restore market confidence! Ensure prosperity and growth! And save capitalism and democracy for future generations! Don't delay in accepting this offer, the financial health of the country depends on it!
*Your annual percentage rate may vary at the whims of the Federal Reserve Board. Loan subject to the following terms and conditions:
A minimum payment of 2% of the balance is due each and every month on a due date which will appear to be selected randomly (but will likely fall on a Sunday or holiday). Please make a check or money order payable in U.S. dollars to the Department of the Treasury, Washington, D.C. 20220. Do not send cash. Write your taxpayer ID number on your check or money order. Payments must be received in our office by 1:00 PM Eastern Time on the last business day** before the due date. We are not responsible for any mail delays (even though we run the Post Office). If the minimum payment is not received by this time, you will be charged a $39,000,000,000 late fee, and your account will be charged a default APR of 30.74%. Your first payment of $14,000,000,000 is due by December 1, 2008. Please be aware that your payment must be received on the last business day** before this date to avoid a late fee and default APR.
We may report information about your account to credit bureaus, or to the mass media. Late payments, missed payments, or other defaults on your account, as well as attempted bribes to government officials, will be reported. If you believe the information reported is inaccurate, or you believe you have been unfairly charged a late fee, you may call our special Bailout Service Center we have set up in Iraq, where someone who speaks very little English will attempt to resolve your concern. Please call during normal business hours of 9:00 AM and 2:00 PM Iraq Standard Time (that is, between 1:00 AM and 6:00 AM Eastern Standard Time, or 2:00 AM and 7:00 AM Eastern Daylight Time).
We reserve the right to change the terms of this agreement, including APRs and fees, at any time for any reason. After all, we're the government. We can pretty much do anything we want.
**"Business day" means any day not a Saturday, Sunday, or holiday. Holidays include New Year's Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Valentine's Day, Washington's Birthday, Memorial Day, Flag Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, the Friday after Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, Christmas, Groundhog Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Easter Monday, April Fool's Day, Earth Day, Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo, Columbus Day, Halloween, Passover, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan (all 29 or 30 days), and Lent (all 40 days). Good luck getting your payments in on time.
This document is released under the terms of the WTFPL.
For a simple explanation, Dr. Seuss style, of the economic crisis that prompted this bailout: see here